Tag Archives: 2012

Major League Baseball 2012: The Year of the Heart Attack

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Image of baseball 2012 heart attack monitor

Ladies and gentlemen, baseball is back.

Each year, we hear that hope springs eternal. No matter which team you cheer for, every baseball fan of any team—both young and old—has a reason to be optimistic. Unless you live in Kansas City, Houston, or Seattle.

While the passing of the vernal equinox promises renewed life for all sentient beings in the northern hemisphere, the summer of 2012 threatens to eclipse this notion by offering a smattering of opportunities for baseball fans to watch life slip away, all whilst enjoying our nation’s pastime at the local stadium. If you support a terrible team, this may come as a welcome change from suffering through a miserable 162-game slog to the familiar confines of the musty cellar.

Whatever your reason for attending a game, fans of all ages will gain unprecedented access to a level of baseball enjoyment in 2012 that will surely test the bounds of mortal life. I am not talking about experiencing your team winning the World Series, witnessing a no-hitter, or catching a free t-shirt fired out of a cannon.

I am talking about baseball’s foray into the latest innovative, delectable stadium junk food that promises to draw millions of fans through turnstiles across the country.

Sure, every stadium has its signature bite, whether it’s a cheesesteak at Citizens Bank Park in Philly, Rally Fries at Safeco Field in Seattle, or the overrated Dodger Dog in Los Angeles. This season, however, will see the birth of a new and improved species of foodstuffs that will leave thousands exiting the park on stretchers.

It is 2012 – the year of the heart attack.

A look at some of the notable additions to the rosters of several stadiums’ food vendors will explain why.

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Questions, Answers, and False Idols: NFL Wild Card Weekend

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Image of Tim Tebow

"Forgive them, for they know not what they do." Tim Tebow, worshipped as a false idol in Denver and across the country, prays for the salvation of his followers...and a victory over Pittsburgh on the Sabbath.

Predicting winners in the NFL Playoffs is much like picking the winner of a Presidential Election. With the start of the Republican primary campaigns polluting television screens across America, we are inundated with numbers from the latest popularity polls and so-called expert opinion, only to witness these prognostications rendered meaningless when final results roll in and evaporate the fanfare. As in life, so as in football.

However, unlike politics, the opinions of your everyday American slob actually bear weight in the landscape of our country’s rich culture and tradition. We can also take solace in knowing that one cannot lobby or simply buy their way to victory as we experience each election cycle, but that wins can only be gained—and manifest—on the actual field (except in college football). With that, I present my keen insight and clairvoyance in picking the winners for Wild Card Weekend.

As always, this is not the place where we examine statistical breakdowns or X’s and O’s. No, my friends, this is a genuine, red-blooded American blog where we need no facts to form opinion and no numbers to prove we’re right. We create our own logic and rationale based on gut feeling and inexplicable bias.

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Holy Wars: The Republican Presidential Primary Campaign

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Image of Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Mitt Romney

The Republican's Holy Trinity of Presidential Candidates in 2012

It has been quite a while since my last entry on this blog. While it has been a busy past few months, hampered by my laptop taking the plunge, I am “happy” to be back. You see, I may be masochistic or a glutton for punishment, but nothing inspires me to write more than the never-ending circus sideshow that is American politics.

It is 2011 and Republicans have renewed their perpetual Holy War to capture the throne of America.

Don’t worry, ladies and gentlemen. I am happy to report that yet again, nothing has changed. The most evident sign of American campaign politics staying the course is this weekend’s Republican Presidential Primary Campaign launched by virtue of the Iowa Straw Poll, and more importantly, by the grace of God Almighty Himself.

Like comic book superhero movies, this edition features a cast of characters virtually impossible to distinguish from past installments. We have:

  • An Evangelical Christian who is Governor of Texas, meaning that he must therefore love Jesus, sports, sentencing people to death, and hot dogs.
  • A female candidate from a cold-weather state who runs on a platform of family values and overt religiousness, and discernibly nothing else.
  • A Mormon from Massachusetts — the same guy from last time – who, despite success as a moderate governor continues to refute his own track record in pursuit of a more radical form of neo-conservatism.

Oh, and we have crazy old Ron Paul.

My History of Losing Faith in Democracy

As a voter and so-called participant in American “democracy” (I use that term lightly), I have been served sobering results in presidential campaigns time and time again. My losing track record at the voting booth has driven my faith in American politics and the idea of active participation in democracy into oblivion. Moreover, I am always amused when candidates beckon the voting public to put their trust and hopes onto their shoulders so they may mount the mythical winged white horse and ascend to divine status as Lord and Savior of the United States of America.

So without further ado…

Image of Evangelical Christian congregation

Rather than thank Obama, attendees at the Perry rally rejoice in Republican prayer: "Hallelujah to God, His Son, and Rick Perry. May the pockets of the wealthy continue to fatten and may the meek never inherit the world. Amen!!"

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