Holy Wars: The Republican Presidential Primary Campaign

Image of Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Mitt Romney

The Republican's Holy Trinity of Presidential Candidates in 2012

It has been quite a while since my last entry on this blog. While it has been a busy past few months, hampered by my laptop taking the plunge, I am “happy” to be back. You see, I may be masochistic or a glutton for punishment, but nothing inspires me to write more than the never-ending circus sideshow that is American politics.

It is 2011 and Republicans have renewed their perpetual Holy War to capture the throne of America.

Don’t worry, ladies and gentlemen. I am happy to report that yet again, nothing has changed. The most evident sign of American campaign politics staying the course is this weekend’s Republican Presidential Primary Campaign launched by virtue of the Iowa Straw Poll, and more importantly, by the grace of God Almighty Himself.

Like comic book superhero movies, this edition features a cast of characters virtually impossible to distinguish from past installments. We have:

  • An Evangelical Christian who is Governor of Texas, meaning that he must therefore love Jesus, sports, sentencing people to death, and hot dogs.
  • A female candidate from a cold-weather state who runs on a platform of family values and overt religiousness, and discernibly nothing else.
  • A Mormon from Massachusetts — the same guy from last time – who, despite success as a moderate governor continues to refute his own track record in pursuit of a more radical form of neo-conservatism.

Oh, and we have crazy old Ron Paul.

My History of Losing Faith in Democracy

As a voter and so-called participant in American “democracy” (I use that term lightly), I have been served sobering results in presidential campaigns time and time again. My losing track record at the voting booth has driven my faith in American politics and the idea of active participation in democracy into oblivion. Moreover, I am always amused when candidates beckon the voting public to put their trust and hopes onto their shoulders so they may mount the mythical winged white horse and ascend to divine status as Lord and Savior of the United States of America.

So without further ado…

Image of Evangelical Christian congregation

Rather than thank Obama, attendees at the Perry rally rejoice in Republican prayer: "Hallelujah to God, His Son, and Rick Perry. May the pockets of the wealthy continue to fatten and may the meek never inherit the world. Amen!!"

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Elections 2010: California Experiences “High Voter Turnout”

Proposition 19 Triggers Spike in Voter Registration among Liberal Pothead Demographic

California boasts an illustrious political history that few states can match.  Over the past 50 years, the Golden State has given us presidents Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan, and more recently, has provided us with other iconic public figures with equally impressive track records such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nancy Pelosi.
Image of Prop 19 Banner
Perhaps even more notorious than the politicians spawned from California are the ubiquitous, controversial propositions that appear on ballots during each election cycle.  In addition to potentially altering legislation, these hot-button issues serve mainly to anger and divide citizens of the state, as well as the rest of us across the U.S. who must rely on our elected officials to overturn our civil and Constitutional rights rather than do so by our own hand.

Two years ago, Proposition 8—the infamous bill to ban marriage between homosexuals—took center stage in California and garnered the attention of the entire nation.  The costly campaign to drive voters to the polls and support the measure drew enormous amounts of external funding, much of it coming from the religious right who reside beyond state lines.  As a result, California became a moral and political battleground for American politics.

We all know what happened.  Droves of frenzied citizens flocked to voting booths to exercise their unfounded authority to deny alternative segments of fellow Californians the right to legally marry each other.  On the other side of the spectrum, people turned out in record numbers to vote against the proposition only to be ultimately outnumbered by selfish heterosexuals who wish to reserve the legal right to marry–and subsequently cheat, divorce, and sue–as a sacred privilege to be shared only between a man and a woman.

This year, California ballots will feature a much different issue to be put up for public vote: Proposition 19—the move to legalize marijuana.  While the outcome remains to be seen, one thing is imminent: high voter turnout.  Pun intended.
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Are You an NPR Listener? You Might Be Saddam Hussein, Warns Rove

Karl Rove Reveals “45 Percent of NPR Listeners Were Saddam Hussein” in Latest Emission

Are you like me?  Do you listen to National Public Radio?  When I am stuck in traffic, I enjoy battling fits of road rage by flipping the station to NPR to catch up on the day’s events, hear about a new book or movie that might be appealing, or rediscover the antiquated approach to news coverage in the U.S.: objectivity.

It turns out that this behavior might reveal a shocking fact you or I never realized: we might be Saddam Hussein.

Photo of NPR listener Saddam Hussein

"Raise your hand if you listen to NPR"

As we know, NPR has been in the spotlight following their recent firing of Juan Williams in response to his comments he made on Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor” about his fear of people in Muslim garb on airplanes.  This has triggered a flash of debate among news outlets and members of the media as to whether Williams’ sacking was ethical or justified.

Perhaps the voice soundest of all in this firestorm is Karl Rove.  In a debate with former Democratic Governor of Vermont, Howard Dean, about the incomparable merits of entertainment giant Fox/News Corporation vis-à-vis all other media outlets—NPR, in particular—Rove delivered his knockout punch.  He boldly stated that “45 percent of NPR listeners were Saddam Hussein.”

Rove’s nugget was in response to Howard Dean’s citation of a 2003 University of Maryland poll indicating that 45 percent of Fox News viewers harbored misconceptions about the Iraq war, including the belief of a proven link between the war the the events of 9/11, compared to 11 percent of public radio and television audiences.

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Satanic Witchcraft vs. Marxism: Elections 2010

Delaware Senate race to showcase epic battle between good and evil

In case you haven’t noticed, the never-ending cycle of campaign politics is rearing its ugly head yet again in our beloved United States of America.  Much like the previous decade of dualistic political struggle, it is another exercise in snake oil sales and soothsaying—a tired act that only masks the candidates’ true intentions as they jockey for position to wrap their bloated sausage fingers around the withering teat of our nation’s cash flow.  A flow, mind you, comprised of hundreds of billions of dollars in payday loans from our friends in communist China.

The race for one of Delaware’s seats in the U.S. Senate promises to offer a close-up look at the universal struggle between Good and Evil, or Republicans (or a Tea Partier who is really a Republican in disguise) vs. Democrats.  However, the roles are completely redefined in this latest clash, where the Great Satan is now manifest in a Republican form, but faces an evil even greater than Lucifer himself—a Marxist.

Photo of Satan and Karl Marx

Satan (left) and Karl Marx (right) square off in a battle of who is the greater evil. According to Fox News reports, Marx and his proponents have just taken over the universe's No. 1 rank of Supreme Being of Evil from Satan.

Before we get to the Main Event, let’s take a look at the Tale of the Tape. Continue reading