Review: Little Mermaid’s Magical Formula Reveals Disney Delusion

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As a middle-aged American, I — like many others of my generation — have been subjected to hours, months, and ultimately many years of meticulously crafted entertainment from the Disney Company. Consciously, we view Disney as a hallmark of purity and high-quality family entertainment that espouses only the highest morals and family values. But under the surface, there is more than meets the eye.

Now, as a fatter, older, and surly grey-haired father of two girls, I am subjected to Disney movies and cartoons at an unprecedented rate. Through all of this, I also see a stark formula readily apparent in these films that I watched casually over the last 30-plus years and films that I am now forced to watch religiously. And it is quite troubling.

What is this Disney formula so ubiquitously found throughout its entire catalog? After watching “Little Mermaid” a few times over the past day or two (it’s playing on our DVD player as I type), I realize that from a father’s perspective, this plot is a direct kick-to-the nuts for dads everywhere. It is probably no better for mothers, either, though I suspect many moms grew up loving this freakin’ movie. Most of all, this formula is even worse for the little girls who watch this movie and are thereby expected to pattern their life’s path to parallel a fictional mermaid princess that exists in an absurd universe of fairy tales and magic spells.

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Spending Quality Daddy Daughter Time…Just Like ‘Commando’

Image of daddy-daughter quality time in Commando.

I have spent the past week watching over my daughter as the virtual sole caretaker. Through it all, I was aiming for greatness.

When it comes to watching over and caring for their daughters, fathers seek to create a lifelong bond with their female offspring built upon trust, protection and fond moments of truly connecting on the deepest of levels that will remain with us for the rest of our lives.

This is not easy. Perhaps this ideal is impossible and is best portrayed not in reality, but in the dreamscape of television and movies. Some fathers in the real world aim to equal fictional icons like Danny Tanner on “Full House,” those two dads from “My Two Dads,” or maybe even Steve Martin in “Father of the Bride.” I, however, shoot for the best display of fatherhood ever committed to film: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s heartwarming and awe-inspiring depiction of daddy dearest in his role as John Matrix in 1985’s “Commando.”

Most people who have seen this movie remember it fondly for its high body count and fantastic (some say cheesy, I say fantastic) one-liners dispensed from Arnold Schwarzenegger at a pace nearly as rapid as his fully automatic machine gun spits out deadly rounds at his victims-to-be. What many forget is that this story is perhaps the greatest exhibition of a father’s love for his daughter ever, fiction or reality.

While this theme ultimately centers upon merciless revenge enacted upon hundreds of people for conspiring to kidnap his daughter, Schwarzenegger truly shows what it means to be “dear old dad” in the early and oft-forgotten scenes of this cinematic masterpiece.
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Shob Cheye Metal

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Shob cheye metal. For those of you who are neophytes to the Bengali language (i.e., anybody who is reading this outside of Bangladesh), the headline translates roughly to “more metal than all.” Why is this, you ask? At the end of the long and winding trail that brought my family and I back to Bangladesh, I am pleased to report that heavy metal music is alive and well in the soul of Bengal.

Contrary to what English speakers of planet Earth or dogmatic adherents of monotheistic religions may believe, music is often referred to as the universal language that binds us and brings us together in unfettered harmony and happiness. Nowhere does this sentiment ring truer than among heavy metal aficionados throughout the world, where mere 64th notes, guitar squeals, and blast beats coalesce into a community of initiates who proudly raise the banner of metal music with vigor in every land.

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Preview of Summer 2011 Blockbusters: More than You Can Stand

Image of A Clockwork Orange

Can you feel the warm caress of summer in the air? It is almost May and the forlorn days of huddling underneath old quilts while burrowing your behind into the deepening crevice on the couch are all but gone. For many, May carries the promise of picnics in grassy green pastures and worshiping the sun near glistening crystal waters and white sandy beaches.

In a devilish act to deny us these simple pleasures, evil men behind the thickest of curtains endlessly plot to spoil this summer daydream. You see, each May, the Hollywood Movie Machine unleashes a wretched stench of audio visual vainglory that lures the masses from their backyard barbecue pits into cold, darkened screening rooms in every last city, town and hamlet in America. Inside, an array of animation, 3-D, computer-generated special effects, explosions, cacophony, and the familiar plastic faces of celebrity actors eagerly await to separate every man, woman and child – even those under the age of 12 – from their lazily-earned dollar.

This year, the annual ritual continues with the same regurgitated ideas and lack of originality that have overrun Tinsel Town for decades. Worse, movie-goers will never recognize the extent of the sheer crappiness because it will all be disguised in 3-D.

What Can We Expect?

Audiences will once again be treated to stories of obscure comic book superheroes who face their own inner struggles while they battle other beings possessing superpowers. We will also be entertained by shape-shifting alien robots that protect humans from themselves and other shape-shifting alien robots amidst 90 minutes of non-stop explosions and terrible Linkin Park songs. Many of these will be sequels, or even sequels of sequels. Finally, the ubiquitous computer-animated features by Disney, Pixar, and a bevy of other scam artists operating under the guise of “family entertainment” will litter theaters everywhere, simultaneously entertaining six-year-old children and popcorn-inhaling adults alike.

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Guns N’ Roses New Album “Dolphin Autocracy” to Hit Walmart Shelves in 2023

Rumors continue to swirl that Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose is recording a new album tentatively titled “Dolphin Autocracy,” based largely upon his underwater adventures depicted in the 1993 video for “Estranged.” Here is a sneak peek at some of recordings thus far. Album slated for release in December 2023.

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The Best and Worst of Christmas Carols

Image of Santa Claus growling heavy metal musicIt’s only a week away from Christmas and many are getting into the holiday spirit with a little mood music in the form of Christmas carols. While it’s rare to receive a knock at the door and be met with a host of neighborhood carolers in wintertime serenade, many holiday revelers get their Christmas music fix from traditional legends like Bing Crosby, Johnny Mathis and Mel Torme.

However, a new tradition has made an indelible mark on the yuletide season that influences all who listen to remember the reason for the season. Below is a collection of the best and worst of Christmas hits, made worse by some of rock and metal’s best and worst, for your holiday enjoyment. Also included is, without a doubt, the most awesome Christmas light display in the history of mankind.

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Metal Legend and Real Housewife Separated at Birth?

Boasting chiseled square jaw lines, prominent cleft chins and severe bouts of nasty attitudes, punk and metal legend Glenn Danzig, and Real Housewife of New York Bethenny Frankel share more than coincidental genetic traits — indications show that they may in fact be brother and sister.

Image of Glenn Danzig and Bethenny Frankel

Much like Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, they may well have been separated at birth; one child flirting with paranormal powers bordering on the Dark Side while rebelling against the firm clutches of the establishment (some of us would not be surprised if Darth Vader fathered Glenn), the other truly acting like an entitled princess and continually seeking acceptance and adoration from the masses.

Not only do they look like brother and sister, they share many of the same qualities and personality traits — for better or worse — that reveal an undeniable link that points to imminent siblinghood.

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