Can you feel the warm caress of summer in the air? It is almost May and the forlorn days of huddling underneath old quilts while burrowing your behind into the deepening crevice on the couch are all but gone. For many, May carries the promise of picnics in grassy green pastures and worshiping the sun near glistening crystal waters and white sandy beaches.
In a devilish act to deny us these simple pleasures, evil men behind the thickest of curtains endlessly plot to spoil this summer daydream. You see, each May, the Hollywood Movie Machine unleashes a wretched stench of audio visual vainglory that lures the masses from their backyard barbecue pits into cold, darkened screening rooms in every last city, town and hamlet in America. Inside, an array of animation, 3-D, computer-generated special effects, explosions, cacophony, and the familiar plastic faces of celebrity actors eagerly await to separate every man, woman and child – even those under the age of 12 – from their lazily-earned dollar.
This year, the annual ritual continues with the same regurgitated ideas and lack of originality that have overrun Tinsel Town for decades. Worse, movie-goers will never recognize the extent of the sheer crappiness because it will all be disguised in 3-D.
What Can We Expect?
Audiences will once again be treated to stories of obscure comic book superheroes who face their own inner struggles while they battle other beings possessing superpowers. We will also be entertained by shape-shifting alien robots that protect humans from themselves and other shape-shifting alien robots amidst 90 minutes of non-stop explosions and terrible Linkin Park songs. Many of these will be sequels, or even sequels of sequels. Finally, the ubiquitous computer-animated features by Disney, Pixar, and a bevy of other scam artists operating under the guise of “family entertainment” will litter theaters everywhere, simultaneously entertaining six-year-old children and popcorn-inhaling adults alike.
Comic Book Superheroes
The roster of this year’s tired superhero scene has to dig deep into the world of comic books to feign creativity. Superman, Batman and Spider Man have all been tapped too many times, or just aren’t putting out this year. Rather than suffer through second helpings — or twelfth — we are thrown fresh meat. Make no mistake — there is nothing fresh about these movies. The superheroes and their stories are easily interchangeable, and plot lines are sure to be as incoherent and rancid as the bile spewing forth from Donald Trump’s pie hole in recent days.
Not only is this a movie about a superhero, it’s a movie about a superhero who is a god! According to legend, Thor is the Norse God of Thunder who famously wields a large hammer whose greatness was widely revered in Scandinavia, beginning with the Vikings and later the Swedish Chef on Sesame Street. The legend and popularity of Thor eventually spread to the U.S., as evidenced by the little girl in 1986’s Adventures in Babysitting, and will be offered to millions of Americans this summer.
In a nutshell: Rather than remain true to the principled Viking world view of drunken brutality and pillaging, Hollywood will surely ruin the story by injecting sappy love stories and heavy-handed special effects. One can only imagine it will be god-awful, leaving audiences pleading for the Hammer of the Gods to fall upon their heads instead.
In case you were afraid a hero in a movie made in the U.S. might be anything other than red-blooded American (like Thor), Captain America will assuage the viewers’ fears that he is not an immigrant, let alone an illegal alien (like Superman or Zorro). To be honest, I know absolutely nothing about this guy. Apparently, the movie is about a young, ignorant American soldier in the time of WWII who stupidly agrees to undergo a series of experiments for a U.S. Army Super Soldier program. He obtains incredible powers and ends up foiling a Nazi plot to destroy the U.S., instantaneously becoming a hero. Captain America is subsequently frozen for six decades and thaws out in modern times, presumably to foil new attacks on the U.S. by new enemies — which, if Hollywood stays true to its core beliefs, will be bad guys with heavy foreign accents.
In a nutshell: Captain America begins as Universal Soldier-meets-Inglorious Basterds, then becomes Demolition Man with the cryogenic bit, and then attempts to mirror reality as Captain America calms the irrationally psychotic fears of Americans facing a threat manufactured directly from the idiotic actions of the nation itself as it continues to make new enemies while waging illegitimate wars across the globe.
Transformers III: Dark of the Moon
Did I read that right? Dark of the Moon, as in a shameless rip-off of the classic album Dark Side of the Moon? Maybe it’s a play on Ozzy Osbourne’s record Bark at the Moon. Rest assured Pink Floyd fans, Ozzy aficionados and humans with an attention span greater than five seconds – this movie will share none of the qualities that comprise the former timeless treasures in the sphere of arts and entertainment. Hollywood has plundered comic books, video games, and has more recently declared a relentless onslaught of toys from the 1980s.
In a nutshell: Gigantic shape-shifting robots fight and cause a lot of explosions. This time, the barrage of fireballs is not limited to Planet Earth and extend all the way to the moon. Oh, and in case this movie appears to only appeal to people with testosterone, Shia LeBeouf will attract the disposable income of millions of female teens and tweens.
Didn’t this film come out earlier this year with Seth Rogen? Oh, wait – that was the Green Hornet. Well, this superhero flick features Ryan Reynolds and promises to suck as much as the Green Hornet did.
In a nutshell: I won’t even waste my time. Neither should you.
More Crap from Pixar and Disney
Pixar will cash in yet again on summer movies in the U.S. and across the world as they once again exploit naïve children, subliminally prodding them to fray the ends of each and every nerve of their parents to see the cleverly-titled Cars 2 several times over. Kids will whine and cry until they not only see the movie five times, but have Cars 2 t-shirts, pajamas, sippy cups, and Larry the Cable Guy underwear while Pixar executives laugh all the way to the bank – in exotic and extremely expensive cars.
In a nutshell: Animated anthropomorphic automobiles amuse audience with cutesy one-liners and a healthy dose of unbearable southern drawl.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
In addition to Disney repeatedly ripping off its own amusement park rides for movie ideas, Johnny Depp continues his downward spiral of dragging his cinematic legacy through a murky, pungent cesspool in his latest appearance as Captain Jack Sparrow in another Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Apparently, it is that important to release another Pirates of the Caribbean movie just for the sake of having one filmed in 3-D.
In a nutshell: It’s not too late, Johnny. Well, maybe it is, so thanks for Donnie Brasco, Blow, Ninth Gate, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and many more obscure arthouse works throughout your career. Say hello to your pal Mickey for me…
And More Crap
Not even worth elaboration are the following Hollywood blockbusters set for Summer 2011:
Another Harry Potter movie
Spy Kids 4
Kung Fu Panda 2
Mission Impossible 4
Be forewarned. Stop reading now. Walk away, run to the hills, go to the beach, ride your bike in the mountains, relax in the countryside, and hide your wallet from the Hollywood Money Machine, because summer is feeding season and they are ready to devour your dirty dollar…with extra butter on top, please.
It WAS environmentally confusing to have all this “Green” about…Green Hornet on DVD…Green Lantern coming to a megaplex near you. Have that all sorted out. I can only assume Depp gets so much cash from the Pirates movie run he has decided to stay all in until all the treasure has been squeezed out of it. Hollywood certainly has their creative juices flowing…NOT. The big question is will gas prices catch up to ticket prices?
First off, thank you for incluuding 9th gate on the Depp movie list. I am waiting for the day when johnny goes on sheen like bender and loses the disney tag.
Secondly, I would just like to add some remakes and sequels/prequels to your list :
Another Xmen (hopefully done right)
Rise of planet of apes
Another spy kids movie
Another final destination (always a pleasure to see how death settles the score)
And to top of the summer madness, hollywood has redone Conan, no james earl jones, no arnold! Com’on man!
I would love to see Johnny lose the Disney tag, but I guess if I were in his shoes, I’d probably allow them to deliver dump trucks full of cash to my house as well.
Forgot about those others; hope that the XMen one is done right as well.
And I totally forgot about to include the Conan remake to this. And all they had to do was have Arnold in it, and I would have been singing its praises. Listen up, Hollywood — we want more Arnold! (maybe he’ll team up with Stallone for Expendables II ???)
It is interesting how this year has had the most sequels in one year, and many sequels are going to spawn more sequels in just a few years, such as Fast Six and Pirates 5.
So I just watched the new Conan last night for the first time. And it reminded me of this thread because it is straight GARBAGE! It reminded me of the Scorpion King with the Rock, and I would rather watch that then this horrible recreation.
Haha, too funny. For me, it’s an easy equation: no Arnold = no Conan.