Can you feel the warm caress of summer in the air? It is almost May and the forlorn days of huddling underneath old quilts while burrowing your behind into the deepening crevice on the couch are all but gone. For many, May carries the promise of picnics in grassy green pastures and worshiping the sun near glistening crystal waters and white sandy beaches.
In a devilish act to deny us these simple pleasures, evil men behind the thickest of curtains endlessly plot to spoil this summer daydream. You see, each May, the Hollywood Movie Machine unleashes a wretched stench of audio visual vainglory that lures the masses from their backyard barbecue pits into cold, darkened screening rooms in every last city, town and hamlet in America. Inside, an array of animation, 3-D, computer-generated special effects, explosions, cacophony, and the familiar plastic faces of celebrity actors eagerly await to separate every man, woman and child – even those under the age of 12 – from their lazily-earned dollar.
This year, the annual ritual continues with the same regurgitated ideas and lack of originality that have overrun Tinsel Town for decades. Worse, movie-goers will never recognize the extent of the sheer crappiness because it will all be disguised in 3-D.
What Can We Expect?
Audiences will once again be treated to stories of obscure comic book superheroes who face their own inner struggles while they battle other beings possessing superpowers. We will also be entertained by shape-shifting alien robots that protect humans from themselves and other shape-shifting alien robots amidst 90 minutes of non-stop explosions and terrible Linkin Park songs. Many of these will be sequels, or even sequels of sequels. Finally, the ubiquitous computer-animated features by Disney, Pixar, and a bevy of other scam artists operating under the guise of “family entertainment” will litter theaters everywhere, simultaneously entertaining six-year-old children and popcorn-inhaling adults alike.