Ladies and gentlemen, baseball is back.

Each year, we hear that hope springs eternal. No matter which team you cheer for, every baseball fan of any team—both young and old—has a reason to be optimistic. Unless you live in Kansas City, Houston, or Seattle.

While the passing of the vernal equinox promises renewed life for all sentient beings in the northern hemisphere, the summer of 2012 threatens to eclipse this notion by offering a smattering of opportunities for baseball fans to watch life slip away, all whilst enjoying our nation’s pastime at the local stadium. If you support a terrible team, this may come as a welcome change from suffering through a miserable 162-game slog to the familiar confines of the musty cellar.

Whatever your reason for attending a game, fans of all ages will gain unprecedented access to a level of baseball enjoyment in 2012 that will surely test the bounds of mortal life. I am not talking about experiencing your team winning the World Series, witnessing a no-hitter, or catching a free t-shirt fired out of a cannon.

I am talking about baseball’s foray into the latest innovative, delectable stadium junk food that promises to draw millions of fans through turnstiles across the country.

Sure, every stadium has its signature bite, whether it’s a cheesesteak at Citizens Bank Park in Philly, Rally Fries at Safeco Field in Seattle, or the overrated Dodger Dog in Los Angeles. This season, however, will see the birth of a new and improved species of foodstuffs that will leave thousands exiting the park on stretchers.

It is 2012 – the year of the heart attack.

A look at some of the notable additions to the rosters of several stadiums’ food vendors will explain why.

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