These Boots Weren’t Made for Walking: A Guide to Women’s Fall Fashion

Fall is officially here, which means it is officially Boot Season. I know what you’re thinking.  “A post about fashion?  Here?”  Believe me; I am with you on this one.  I do not claim to be an expert on fashion and freely admit I know nothing about the subject–and I relish this ignorance.  But I am observant.  I know what I like and, most importantly, what I don’t like.  That’s what we’re here to talk about today.  Women’s footwear…Boots.

Images of women wearing furry boots

Boots with fur: decent for a Rocky Mountain winter, perfect for a summer in Santa Monica.

I admit, I was—and still am—a fan of certain types of women’s boots.  Knee-high black leather boots are particularly nice, especially when paired with a short skirt (for some reason).  This look more than adequately lends itself to visions of a top-secret female Russian spy—complete with heavy accent and a plan to forcefully seduce her unsuspecting male prey on the cold streets of Moscow.  But from that foundation of Sexy Spy, a conglomeration of fur, fleece, fringe, glitter and suede has obliterated the fine balance between form and function–and more importantly, the notion of being seduced.

Angelina Jolie in Boots

Russian spy and Angelina Jolie look-alike Katarina shows the proper fashion in which to wear boots--with class and elegance.

Instead, what we are left with is profound confusion as to whether women in boots are going to perform a Cherokee rain dance, enter the Iditarod dog sled race, or walk on the moon.  Some look as if they are ready to hog-tie a dozen calves in a rodeo while quaffing a cosmopolitan.  Some appear as though they expect a torrential downpour any given second as they parade about the sun-drenched avenue in their galoshes with the traditional, classy hounds’ tooth print.

Below is a collection of photographic evidence of women abusing good fashion sense in the name of audacity and an insatiable cry for attention…from other women.

Photo of woman in fringy mocassins

Fringe Fest: There's Indians in them thar Hills! Lauren Conrad rocks her ankle fringe mocs.

Photos of girls wearing cowboy boots

Cowboy boots are fun to wear when you're in second grade, but even better at your best friend's shotgun wedding.

Photo of girls wearing galoshes in sunny weather

Today's forecast: Mostly sunny with temperatures in the high 80s -- perfect for galoshes.

Taking these trends to ridiculous new heights is the latest in fashionable footwear: sandal boots.  These mutated forms of half-sandal, half-boot effectively provide one with the best of both worlds these types of shoes respectively offer.  Open toes allow ladies’ calves and ankles to sweat while revealing their freshly painted nails for all to see, fun and fancy free.  Unlike its cousins, the boot sandal also serves some sort of functional purpose—to hide one’s cankles when going to the beach.

Photos of hideous sandal boots

Two to tango: Sandal boots, in their many incarnations, are the latest in ladies' footwear to opt for form over function...and fail miserably in both.

Photo of Nihilist's toe-less foot from the Big Lebowski

Sandal boots may have come in handy for the female nihilist in the film, "The Big Lebowski," who lost her toe to use as ransom bait for another character. This scenario is likely the only practical use for sandal boots.

So my advice to ladies: when it’s not enough to dress-up once a year on Halloween; when you want to look like the quintessential bratty eight year-old kid sister; when you want to create a self portrait you will (hopefully) regret in 10 years—I implore you to don your boots with the fur, your calf-high moccasins with the fringe, and shine those shit-kickers.  Just remember—we’re laughing at you, not with you.

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3 thoughts on “These Boots Weren’t Made for Walking: A Guide to Women’s Fall Fashion

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