Fall is officially here, which means it is officially Boot Season. I know what you’re thinking. “A post about fashion? Here?” Believe me; I am with you on this one. I do not claim to be an expert on fashion and freely admit I know nothing about the subject–and I relish this ignorance. But I am observant. I know what I like and, most importantly, what I don’t like. That’s what we’re here to talk about today. Women’s footwear…Boots.
I admit, I was—and still am—a fan of certain types of women’s boots. Knee-high black leather boots are particularly nice, especially when paired with a short skirt (for some reason). This look more than adequately lends itself to visions of a top-secret female Russian spy—complete with heavy accent and a plan to forcefully seduce her unsuspecting male prey on the cold streets of Moscow. But from that foundation of Sexy Spy, a conglomeration of fur, fleece, fringe, glitter and suede has obliterated the fine balance between form and function–and more importantly, the notion of being seduced.
Instead, what we are left with is profound confusion as to whether women in boots are going to perform a Cherokee rain dance, enter the Iditarod dog sled race, or walk on the moon. Some look as if they are ready to hog-tie a dozen calves in a rodeo while quaffing a cosmopolitan. Some appear as though they expect a torrential downpour any given second as they parade about the sun-drenched avenue in their galoshes with the traditional, classy hounds’ tooth print.
Below is a collection of photographic evidence of women abusing good fashion sense in the name of audacity and an insatiable cry for attention…from other women.
Taking these trends to ridiculous new heights is the latest in fashionable footwear: sandal boots. These mutated forms of half-sandal, half-boot effectively provide one with the best of both worlds these types of shoes respectively offer. Open toes allow ladies’ calves and ankles to sweat while revealing their freshly painted nails for all to see, fun and fancy free. Unlike its cousins, the boot sandal also serves some sort of functional purpose—to hide one’s cankles when going to the beach.
So my advice to ladies: when it’s not enough to dress-up once a year on Halloween; when you want to look like the quintessential bratty eight year-old kid sister; when you want to create a self portrait you will (hopefully) regret in 10 years—I implore you to don your boots with the fur, your calf-high moccasins with the fringe, and shine those shit-kickers. Just remember—we’re laughing at you, not with you.