Satanic Witchcraft vs. Marxism: Elections 2010

Delaware Senate race to showcase epic battle between good and evil

In case you haven’t noticed, the never-ending cycle of campaign politics is rearing its ugly head yet again in our beloved United States of America.  Much like the previous decade of dualistic political struggle, it is another exercise in snake oil sales and soothsaying—a tired act that only masks the candidates’ true intentions as they jockey for position to wrap their bloated sausage fingers around the withering teat of our nation’s cash flow.  A flow, mind you, comprised of hundreds of billions of dollars in payday loans from our friends in communist China.

The race for one of Delaware’s seats in the U.S. Senate promises to offer a close-up look at the universal struggle between Good and Evil, or Republicans (or a Tea Partier who is really a Republican in disguise) vs. Democrats.  However, the roles are completely redefined in this latest clash, where the Great Satan is now manifest in a Republican form, but faces an evil even greater than Lucifer himself—a Marxist.

Photo of Satan and Karl Marx

Satan (left) and Karl Marx (right) square off in a battle of who is the greater evil. According to Fox News reports, Marx and his proponents have just taken over the universe's No. 1 rank of Supreme Being of Evil from Satan.

Before we get to the Main Event, let’s take a look at the Tale of the Tape.

Republicans vs. Democrats: On Paper
For the past decade, Republicans—under the guise of “fiscal responsibility”—have recklessly funneled money toward programs like a missile defense program rooted in science fiction lore; “spending cuts” in the form of military action that involves the invasion of an oil-rich country in the name of “freedom from terror” (leading to more terror and less freedom for everyone in the world), and tax cuts for big business and the wealthy that surpass those enacted by their modern day prophet, Ronald Reagan (sold to us common-folk as breaks for “small business owners”).  All of this “fiscally-responsible” behavior has amounted to a hole of national debt so deep that you can actually see the Great Wall of China from Omaha, Nebraska (ooh, the irony—get it?).

Democrats have proven to be little help in mitigating these problems.  In fact, they have actually walked hand-in-hand with their Republican cohorts in overseeing many of these disasters.  Most Dems agreed to invade Iraq at the time and continue to fund the military and defense industry to the tune of $636.3 billion per year, all while cutting support to education—an initiative they allegedly champion.  In health care reform, they wavered in adding a public insurance option, choosing instead to fight with each other.  The result?  A watered-down bill* where insurance companies will seemingly continue to have the upper hand as they reap the benefits of added customers, who will have a gun to their head as they enroll for private insurance as mandated by law.  There is also no guarantee that insurance will be “affordable” for you and me; but it should continue to be highly profitable for insurance companies.

* Like all lawmakers in support of and opposition to the Affordable Care Act, I have not read the actual bill.

In addition, Democrats are now folding under pressure in the face of the looming expiration of the Bush Tax Cuts and have chosen to postpone any action until after November’s election—a move authored in the name of political expediency.  With a majority in the House and nearly having the requisite 60 members of Senate to streamline bills all the way up to the desk of the President, the Democrats have countered the preceding Republican regime’s stubborn, bull-headed iron fist with collective indecision and a decidedly proverbial limp wrist.

Republicans vs. Democrats: In Reality
In reality, we Americans are not supposed to pay attention to any of this political gridlock and hypocrisy.  Instead, there are far more alarming issues at the forefront of the political debate in the United States: whether or not Delaware U.S. Senatorial candidate and Tea Party poster girl Christine O’Donnell was a demonic, Satan-worshipping Wiccan priestess in her youth; and whether her Democratic opponent Chris Coons transformed into a godless, cigar-puffing, bearded Marxist during a brief study abroad in his freshman year of college.

O’Donnell has experienced a wave of controversy, coupled with a boon of support among her faithful, since her recent victory in the primaries.  O’Donnell’s story, as told in her own words on “Politically Incorrect” with Bill Maher (!!!) in 1999: “I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar and I didn’t know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that.  We went to a movie and then had a little picnic on a satanic altar.”

Photo of Danzig EP Thrall-Demonsweatlive and O'Donnell satanic picnic

An artist’s depiction of what Christine O’Donnell’s picnic on a satanic altar in 1999 may have looked like.

Watch O’Donnell open up to Bill Maher on YouTube >>

At best, this is all libel and a dastardly farce concocted by the truly evil hand of Bill Maher and the liberal media.  At worst, it is a simple misunderstanding and act of youthful curiosity that should be overlooked and forgiven.

Coons, on the other hand, dabbled with the very evil that threatens to sunder our overindulgent, consumer-happy American way of life for which our forefathers died in countless wars and strife for the past two centuries—Marxism.  In an op-ed for The Amherst Student in 1985, Coons wrote the following:

“I spent the spring of my junior year in Africa on the St. Lawrence Kenya Study Program. Going to Kenya was one of the few real decisions I have made; my friends, family, and professors all advised against it, but I went anyway. My friends now joke that something about Kenya, maybe the strange diet, or the tropical sun, changed my personality; Africa to them seems a catalytic converter that takes in clean-shaven, clear-thinking Americans and sends back bearded Marxists.”

Photo of bearded Marxist Chris Coons

An artist’s depiction of what Chris Coons’ days as a “bearded Marxist” in Kenya as a freshman in 1985 may have looked like.

Coons heretically rambles on, “The point that others ignore is that I was ready to change. Experiences at Amherst my first two years made me skeptical and uncomfortable with Republicanism, enough so that I wanted to see the Third World for myself to get some perspective on my beliefs.”  You can read young Coons’ entire op-ed from 1985 here.

What We Should Believe: Marxism IS Worse than Satanic Witchcraft
Whichever story be true or false matters not.  What we are meant to learn from this dilemma, as told to us by the Holy Trinity of Fox News (Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly) is that it is worse to be a Marxist than a Satanic Witch.  Again, I cannot stress enough that this wisdom comes directly from god-fearing believers of Creationism, who are also presumably anti-Satan.  So it must be true.

Photos of other bearded Marxists

Texas rockers Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top (left) are rumored to be bearded Marxists in honor of socialist forefathers Che Guevara and Fidel Castro (right).

Why Marxism is Worse than Satanic Witchcraft
Why should we believe the Three Wise Men from Fox News Channel?  Any concept, philosophy or character rooted in the bible, even Satan himself, is far more valid and held in less contempt than a 19th century political philosophy that strives for equality among men.  More importantly, any blasphemy leveled against the holy state of Republicanism and its derivatives like the Tea Party—a transgression of which Coons is guilty in the highest order—far outweighs any experimental overtures into the realm of the Dark One, in the eyes of The Lord.  Jesus Christ himself must surely agree that it is far worse to slander the Republican Party than it is to offer up a live human sacrifice to his adversary.

Photo of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount

An artist's depiction of the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus proclaimed the evils of Marx's philosophy of socialism and equality among mankind, and preached the virtues of extending tax cuts for the rich, as supported by Satan.

Furthermore, these claims and accusations about one’s past—real or not—are often more damning to their political career than actual mistakes made while serving in office.  Many of our nation’s leaders have committed far more egregious offenses.  However, after less-than-genuine apologies have been offered—with wives by their side—these national heroes have continued to serve the American pubic public, in earnest.

Senator David Vitter of Louisiana was famously caught with his pants down in 2007 after appearing on the notorious DC Madam’s phone list.  He was subsequently revealed as a frequent customer of Canal Street Madam in New Orleans, where he allegedly harbored a curious fetish for wearing a diaper to satisfy his sexual desires. The outcome?  Continued service in Senate chambers as a staunch proponent of family values and the right to wed as man and woman only (diapers are optional), and is likely headed toward re-election to a third term this fall.

Eliot Spitzer, Democratic governor of New York, committed a similar blunder with his involvement in a prostitution ring in 2008.  While he may have resigned days after his awkward confession and apology (with his loving wife at his side), Spitzer is poised for a comeback with his own prime time show on CNN.  This should also help him avoid using public funds for future soirees with big-bosomed bimbos in the Bronx (alliteration is fun).

What We Learn: Public Relations Trumps Public Service
The importance of a voting record that reflects the will of your constituents is so 20th century.  A candidate that can tell us what we want to hear without offending religious and non-religious types alike (not as important if you’re Republican), and rarely stray from his or her talking points will almost always be the victors.  As long as they can maintain a past of snorting cocaine, sacrificing babies, contemplating Marxist philosophy, and frequenting members of the world’s oldest profession hidden from the American people, our leaders will continue to laugh off the responsibility of public office as they raise the bar on standards of shrewd public relations.

Talk the talk, screw the walk.  May God Bless America and grant Satan and the forces of goodness victory in November.

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