“Rebel Black Bear” will now lead Ole Miss to defeat in SEC
In an attempt to rid itself of connotations and imagery related to the Old South, and the embarrassment of losing a civil war that happened a century-and-a-half ago, the University of Mississippi Rebels—better known as Ole Miss—has adopted a new mascot to replace Colonel Reb: a bear.
Ole Miss, who has been without a mascot ever since it sacked Colonel Reb in 2003, announced their decision at a press conference in Oxford, Mississippi on October, 15, 2010.
The Rebel Black Bear, as he or she will be known, beat out fellow candidates that included a Rebel Landshark, “Hotty Toddy” (presumably in honor of the hot alcoholic drink that is not typically associated with southern cuisine), and Admiral Ackbar— the former leader of the Rebel Alliance space fleet who successfully blew up Death Star II near the forest moon of Endor.Admiral Ackbar was initially excited about the prospect, noting that “it would be an honor to represent a marginalized segment of the Mississippi populace: the catfish, shrimp and crawfish who reside in the watery abodes of bayous, rivers, and the Gulf of Mexico.”
However, upon learning about Mississippi’s human inhabitants’ insatiable taste for fried seafood, Ackbar immediately recognized the dire nature of the situation. The good Admiral fondly recalls the moment of realization and his now-famous response, “It’s a trap!”
Watch video footage of Admiral Ackbar’s reaction below:
“I have to say, the entire proposition seemed very good from the beginning, but my gut was telling me otherwise. And I was right,” remarked Ackbar, who says he has always had a knack for sensing impending doom. “Things happened so fast in the beginning that had I been swept away by the excitement, I would have undoubtedly wound up battered, fried, and consumed by dozens of angry Ole Miss fans in the aftermath of another terrible football season.”
With Admiral Ackbar enjoying his golden years on the planet of Mon Calamari and out of the picture, Ole Miss adds its Rebel Bear to a crowded pack of other predatory animal mascots in the Southeastern Conference that include a pair of tigers, alligators, untamed cats of no specific variety, and a smattering of other things like hogs, roosters, bulldogs, and the rise and fall of red-colored water.
So the Rebels are pussies. What a surprise (sarc).