Consumer Report: Kush Support Redefines American Ingenuity

The United States of America has a cherished tradition of pioneering product design which has propelled our great nation to the pinnacle of global innovation. Since our country’s inception, every generation of Americans has been shaped by the ingenuity of our greatest minds in an effort live up to our manifest destiny as a beacon of light to the world. While we may have collectively ceded complete dominance over other up-and-coming manufacturing behemoths like China and India, we still lead the way in delivering products that change the world.

Images of greatest inventors in US history

The Holy Trinity of American Ingenuity: Thomas Edison (left), Henry Ford (center), and Cathinka Chandler (right). Chandler earned her place among the greatest innovative minds in American history with her discovery of the Kush Support system.

How did we become so great? Our forefathers strove to solve critical problems of their time that impeded the full-fledged ability to pursue life, liberty and happiness. Throughout the centuries, we have endeavored to keep the flame of luminaries like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford burning bright to help guide us through the perilous path to prosperity. While it hasn’t always been easy, particularly in light of recent economic collapse, there is once again reason to believe that American ingenuity will lead the way yet again.

The Legacy of Edison and Ford

In times of darkness and uncertainty, Thomas Edison answered the call when he invented the light bulb, providing the spark plug to jump start our great nation’s contributions to the worldwide Industrial Revolution. Having witnessed firsthand the dangers of candlelight and the invisible toxic fumes of burning kerosene in households across the country, Edison realized there must be a better way. The Wizard of Menlo Park got to work on harnessing electric power into a tightly coiled filament and produced the light bulb to save the lives of millions from burning alive in their homes from unattended flames. He also latently prevented many attempted murders with candlesticks — much to the chagrin of Col. Mustard — though Edison could never adequately supplant the malicious use of lead pipes.

Henry Ford recaptured the American spirit when he produced the automobile. Tired of being pulled in a carriage by a team of smelly horses and/or oxen — not to mention stepping in heaping mounds of dung when crossing the road — Ford found a way to transplant the power of dozens of stinking animals under the hood of a steel buggy with the invention of his internal combustion engine. He also masterminded the process in which to mass produce these modern beasts-on-wheels, ensuring that future generations of Americans would have the right to travel when and where they so desired. In addition, Americans would no longer have to feed their equine transports costly hay, apples and the occasional salt lick. They now had the ability to feed their new machines with cheap, readily available gasoline. Little did Ford know the profound impact his invention would bestow upon the land of the free.

Fast Forward to the 21st Century

Every now and again, a product hits the market which conjures this spirit of American innovation. When it happens, the event brings us closer together in a sweeping fervor of unabashed patriotism as we bask in the glowing satisfaction in knowing that our pursuit for life, liberty and happiness has been fulfilled once again. It happened with the light bulb, the automobile, as it did with the telephone, the television, fast food, and the iPhone. Now, my friends, it is happening again.

Behold, the Kush Support — sleep support for women and their breasts.

Image of Kush Support system

Ladies, do you suffer from unbearable pressure from overlapping boobs when you sleep on your side? Are you tired of nighttime perspiration and being mistaken for suffering bouts of nocturnal lactation? Have you recently undergone breast augmentation and need a little extra support? Sick of those pesky wrinkles forming in your cleavage caused by the unrelenting effects of horizontal gravity while you sleep?

If you answered yes to any or all of the above, your prayers have been answered. The Kush Support offers women all the nighttime support they need while severely reducing nature’s effects of aging, as well as man-made enlargement with synthetic materials, to guarantee a good night’s sleep and a youthful, spry chest. Kush also eliminates the need for the painful underwire of arcane brassieres.

Not sure how this works? Watch the infomercial below and join the millions of believers in the power of Kush:

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This device was surely designed by a man, right? Wrong. Kush founder Cathinka Chandler was a side-sleeper who developed the idea to battle out-of-control wrinkles caused by the devastating effects of gravity and pressure of her breasts resting on top of each other while she slept. Like Edison and Ford before, Chandler relied on her intuition, intellect (with a name like Cathinka, what else would you expect?) and innovative instincts to create a soft, lightweight, contoured plastic baton to slide between her C-cups just before going to bed. The effect? An emphatic victory for women across the world, defying the once immutable forces of physics and nature.

Yes, folks, this product DOES exist. It’s also endorsed by none other than Real Housewife of New York, Bethenny Frankel, who has undoubtedly thwarted the double threat of breast augmentation and pregnancy, and added many years of elasticity to her lady lumps in the process.

Kelly Preston, Hollywood actress better known for her marriage to John Travolta and falling hook-line-and-sinker for Scientology, is also a proud supporter of Kush. She even wrote Cathinka Chandler a personal thank-you note. We assume that John is thankful as well.

Image of pleased pregnant Kush customer

The Kush Support system is perfect for pregnant women.

Ladies, it’s time to get a good night’s sleep once again. It’s time to slip Kush Support between the peaks of Watermelon Pass and slip effortlessly into the calm, cool, weightless realm of wrinkle-free, arid-breasted REM sleep.

America, it’s time to regain faith in the innovative capacity of our great country. It’s time to reclaim our place as the global leader of engineering mastery and rekindle the spirit of Edison and Ford in a way that would humbly honor their contributions to society and propel us toward a prosperous new millennium. Thanks to Kush Support, it is now possible to believe in the American Dream once again.

For more information about the Kush Support system, visit kushsupport.com

2 thoughts on “Consumer Report: Kush Support Redefines American Ingenuity

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Consumer Report: Kush Support Redefines American Ingenuity « 13 Shades of Grey -- Topsy.com

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